Honesty.

2013 was in many ways a great year for me. I ran my first half marathon and made some significant strides towards becoming a true athlete. My body has changed to a longer, leaner, stronger shape. I got an great (and unexpected) new job, moved into a great new apartment in the best location I've ever lived with one of the best roommates I've had. I was able to travel a fair amount, including adding a new state to my list (Nevada) and attending Amy's wedding in Utah.

But.

Isn't there always a but?

I'm a firm believer in the natural ups and downs of life, and it seems that some aspects of 2013 have been more down than up. Perhaps it's because I am focusing so intently on things that I can't control, perhaps it's because I'm focusing on the wrong things. Maybe I just need to let go what I think would make me happy and just focus on being happy with what I have.

I'm desperately lonely. This loneliness is quieted when I workout, so 2013 has been a year of becoming addicted to exercise because it quiets my mind and gives me something to focus on. There are many worse things to be addicted to, but it is still something that I use to escape my thoughts and feelings.

Long story short, I feel like I am missing a major part of my life because of this loneliness. As a woman in my late 20's I want to be enjoying everything that life has to offer - spontaneous traveling, hiking, going to the movies, trying new restaurants. I'd like to experience being loved unconditionally, being another person's priority, cooking for more than one person, bringing someone home to meet my family and experiencing a loving relationship.

The pain that I'm feeling is a consistent ache, and I need to figure out a sustainable way to be at peace with what I am dealt. No one is going to fall in love with someone that I'm not, so I intend to continue being my "wild, courageous, brilliant self" and hope that I will pull through this down and come out on the other side stronger and more fully happy.