well that was fun.

That great guy I wrote about? He broke up with me via text on Sunday night.

I'm overwhelmed by anger and sadness, but also feeling peace and acceptance. The loneliness wasn't filled by him, it was filled by me. This changes nothing, it just means that I have to keep moving forward with the momentum that he helped me find. I'll be grateful for that forever, but angry with his selfishness and immaturity too. That will pass, I will be in myself for the long haul.

Still working on studying for the Primary Group Fitness Certification, considering getting certified in Spinning and thinking about taking an AcroYoga class series.

Just another bump in the road.

things just have a way...

...of working themselves out when you breathe.

I've been nonexistent on here in 2014, but since my last post in May things have been different. A really, really good type of different.

I ran the Vermont City Marathon 2-Person Relay with my sister, as planned. I had a terrible race - it was hot, I was exhausted. My sister and I ran together for 10 miles, then I was struggling so hard that she left and ran her own race.

Struggled, but finished! Team Half Crazy for the win!

This is where things get good.

All winter I had been following a blog that RunVermont was sponsoring of a marathon "rookie." "Rookie Shane" would be running the Vermont City Marathon after months of training and weekly posts on the RunVermont blog, and I read every one (I started reading because I knew the rookie from last year, I kept reading because I developed a crush on Shane...)

After the marathon, Shane posted one final post and included his email address. So I emailed him.

Now, almost exactly 5 months later...

It's good. Really, really good. We've run 3 races together (The Color Run, Vineyard Vines 10k and Harpoon Octoberfest 5k) and are partners in all things. The emptiness is filling, both by Shane and by my own self-love and feelings of contentment. Yeah, things have a way of working themselves out when you breathe...

Let's hope this blog takes new life. I want to become a yoga instructor, and teach group fitness. I want to keep running. I want to be a good partner and friend. And I want to write about it all.

truly strong

The nagging loneliness has not gone away. Perhaps it's even intensified. But I'm looking at it differently.

When I started running I wanted to hold onto an accomplishment. 5ks, 10ks, half marathons. I imagined myself tearing up at the end because my accomplishment made me feel so good about myself. These things happened, mostly because I felt that they should.

However, it wasn't until I started looking at myself in the mirror when getting ready to take a shower or getting ready to go out and started smiling that I felt a true sense of accomplishment.

These thick legs that touch at the thighs? They carried me 10 miles on Sunday.

This soft-ish stomach with a little extra padding that pushes out around my hydration belt? It digested my lunch, and the dessert I can never pass up.

That zit I can't stop noticing? It is just a tiny fraction of a face that shows genuine emotions to those around me.

That loneliness that I feel hollowing inside of me? It will make the warmth of being loved feel that much warmer.

I trust in this process. The running, the crying, the trying, the breathing. I trust.

2014 Mantra

New Years has become all about setting resolutions - and most of these resolutions are about changing yourself. Often this can be good - getting in shape, eating better, quitting smoking. I am ALL about being healthy and working towards new goals. Hell I set a goal last year to run a road race in every month, which is a physical and mental feat.

When we don't reach out goals we beat ourselves up. But how can you beat yourself up for being yourself? When you set a goal that you cannot sustain you simply return to who you truly are and then beat yourself up for it. That's not cool.

This year my mantra is going to be "be yourself." Don't apologize, don't hate, don't be disappointed. Just be yourself.

Not sure where this blog will go in 2014. I imagine I'll change the name. Probably change the layout. But the thing that won't change is me. Because that's all I've got.

I hope you set an intention to be yourself and treat yourself with the lovingkindness that you deserve.

Jingle Bell Half Marathon

My mom and I traveled down to North Andover, MA on Friday after I left work to stay with my mom's best friend Linda, and her dog, Pippa. My mom, Linda and I hung out and chatted on Friday night, enjoyed some hot spiced cider and were in bed by 11:00 PM.

I set my alarm for 7:30 but was up a little after 7:00 AM to start getting ready. The race was about 20 minutes away from Linda's house, so we planned to leave by 8:30, run a few errands and get to the race location by 9:15 (race started at 10:00). I brought my own breakfast, which was a bagel from my favorite bagel place down the street from my apartment and peanut butter. I had no problem downing the whole thing along with some water.

The forecast was not looking great - it was supposed to be absolutely frigid throughout the entire race - when we woke up it was 7 degrees. I just kept telling myself and Linda and my mom that it was going to be OK - I would do just fine during the race. I was starting to get worried as I was packing up my clothes about how cold it was going to be, but I wasn't about to back out!

I settled on 5 layers - a lululemon tank top and GAP tech long sleeve shirt as base layers, an insulated Nike shirt, an insulated GAP pullover and a long sleeve cotton shirt on top. I wore insulated Target running tights and knee socks, thin gloves and a headband/ear warmer. I also work my skiing buff (I use it to soak up sweat and keep my hair back under my helmet) around my neck as a nose wiper/neck and face warmer.

 Ready for the start!

We got there as planned and I easily picked up my packet and shirt. I was shocked at how many people where there - there was nearly 1000 runners! I jumped in line for the bathroom at 9:30 which was lucky as I didn't get back to where my mom was standing until nearly 9:50! I put on all my layers, pinned my bib and headed out side at the last possible minute to brave the now 9 degree weather.

I didn't hear a word that they said during the announcements, so before I knew it we were off. The first 3/4 of a mile were on the driveway into the Atkinson Country Club and it was fun to see everyone before the spread out - there were lots of great Christmas costumes and I really felt like I was a part of something pretty big!

The first 3 miles were through neighborhoods, so we had some people cheering for us and even one guy outside playing Christmas music on an accordion! I skipped water at the first aid station because I was wearing my hydration belt and I don't tend to drink a whole lot while running when it's cold out. I did situate my Gu underneath a bunch of my layers so that it could warm up before I was ready to eat it. Mile 4 and 5 brought us onto a busy road which was kind of a pain - it was pretty much single file and because my pace matches a lot of people who run/walk I was constantly being passed and then passing the same people. I was going back and forth with one run/walker for about 4 miles - she would run for what seemed like 15 or 20 seconds, then walk for awhile. I absolutely respect anyone who finishes a half marathon, but constantly finding a way to pass her was pretty annoying.

I took my Gu at mile 6, only to find that my water bottle had frozen and I could hardly get any water out of it. I made it work and got the whole Gu down, and then was on the lookout for my mom, Linda and Pippa, who were planning to be near mile 7 because it was pretty close to the start if they cut through a side street. I was glad to see them cheering wildly, and was glad to switch out my water bottle for a non-frozen one!

Waving goodbye to my cheering section!

I chatted with another runner for awhile who told me that I had the best family for braving the cold. She ended up falling back to check on her sister, so I put my headphones back in. Miles 8 - 11 flew, my favorite part being the hot chocolate aid station. When I was preparing for the race I didn't think I would have any interest in it - I don't really like hot chocolate, I don't drink milk, I thought my stomach would feel a little weird. Boy was I wrong! It was probably the best tasting thing I've ever had.

Mile 11 was really challenging - back on a busy road, nearly all uphill. I considered stopping to walk for a minute but kept reminding myself how accomplished I'd feel when I finished, and how soon it was going to be over. I knew I was in the homestretch at mile 12 because most of it was back on that road into the Country Club, so I tried to enjoy. I'll be honest - I did think about the hot soup at the end quite a lot!

My mom and Linda were at the final corner cheering me on, and I sped up a bit for a final time of 2:36. I was disappointed as I wanted to cross in less than 2:30, but with the frigid temps and hills, I was pleased. 

I grabbed my medal and immediately went inside and took off all my sweaty layers - I didn't even wait for a stall to open in the women's bathroom - I just changed right inside the door. I put on dry layers and my winter coat, got some soup and then headed out for a late lunch (and hot tea for me!) at a delicious Italian restaurant.

 Best part of a long run!

(l-r) Linda, me, my mom

I really enjoyed this race and would like to run it again next year. With temps closer to 30 I think it would be an ideal half marathon!

 Pippa and I resting after the race

Pippa in her Christmas stoll and me with my Jingle Bell medal the next morning!

Honesty.

2013 was in many ways a great year for me. I ran my first half marathon and made some significant strides towards becoming a true athlete. My body has changed to a longer, leaner, stronger shape. I got an great (and unexpected) new job, moved into a great new apartment in the best location I've ever lived with one of the best roommates I've had. I was able to travel a fair amount, including adding a new state to my list (Nevada) and attending Amy's wedding in Utah.

But.

Isn't there always a but?

I'm a firm believer in the natural ups and downs of life, and it seems that some aspects of 2013 have been more down than up. Perhaps it's because I am focusing so intently on things that I can't control, perhaps it's because I'm focusing on the wrong things. Maybe I just need to let go what I think would make me happy and just focus on being happy with what I have.

I'm desperately lonely. This loneliness is quieted when I workout, so 2013 has been a year of becoming addicted to exercise because it quiets my mind and gives me something to focus on. There are many worse things to be addicted to, but it is still something that I use to escape my thoughts and feelings.

Long story short, I feel like I am missing a major part of my life because of this loneliness. As a woman in my late 20's I want to be enjoying everything that life has to offer - spontaneous traveling, hiking, going to the movies, trying new restaurants. I'd like to experience being loved unconditionally, being another person's priority, cooking for more than one person, bringing someone home to meet my family and experiencing a loving relationship.

The pain that I'm feeling is a consistent ache, and I need to figure out a sustainable way to be at peace with what I am dealt. No one is going to fall in love with someone that I'm not, so I intend to continue being my "wild, courageous, brilliant self" and hope that I will pull through this down and come out on the other side stronger and more fully happy.  

Santa Run

The Santa Run is my favorite race of the year - not because the route is great or the weather is great, but because you are running among 2000 other people who are dressed as no one other than Santa Claus.

Emily and I before the race

I've determined that 5k races are never my favorite - they are too short for me to really settle into a rhythm and they seem like kind of a waste of time for a slower runner. However, I would never miss this one! The course goes through downtown Burlington and goes up "Assault on Battery" (remember me running up that during the Marathon Relay?). It is probably 1/4 actual trained runners and 3/4 kids and families who are out for a good time. It's a lot of weaving around people, but the views of seeing thousands of people dressed in polyester Santa suits.

Emily and I ran to have fun and finished in about 33 minutes. I love that this race highlights how much fun running can be. It's a great community event!